Monday, July 23, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Saturday, July 07, 2012
Friday, July 06, 2012
July 2012
Dear friends and contacts on
this Blog site and the wider world
Many of you have been aware at
various times over the last few years I have been unsettled – much of that has
been caused by working for RCHT and that remains the truth. But however, there
is something I have been hiding from you all and the time has come to share
this with you all
There is no easy way of
approaching this subject so I will begin with this statement:-
I believe that I have GENDER
DYSPHORIA.
It is a fancy name for a
condition where a person believes they were born into the wrong gender; in my
case I feel I should have been born female. I have always had these feelings, I
have requested help once before (2008) but as the children were coming up to
exams at that stage I abandoned that request then because as always, the
children come first.
As for my darling Vicki. I love
her, I will always love her and more importantly she is my best friend. I told
her about my confused gender feelings in 1991 - well before we got married and
before she was pregnant. She decided to support me in those early days; as the years
moved on it became a subject to be ignored and hidden but more recently (the
last 5 – 6 years) it has been something positive that we have both shared and
to a certain extent she encouraged.
Truthfully, I have been going
out in public dressed as a woman for over the last ten years. For the last five
of these, Vicki has often accompanied me and has given me the wealth of her
advice and guidance. For this, I cannot thank her enough.
All of you are on my contacts
list because we have been friends / colleagues / students / mentors / advisors
etc and although I physically haven’t seen many of you for years, you have
chosen to keep me on your friends list. But now you must decide if that is want
you want to continue; I will not take offence if my friends list suddenly goes
down but request each of you consider carefully before throwing away any sort
of relationships we have had.
But that is for each of you to
decide. You must decide whether a female
me is someone you want to know and be associated with. I would fully understand
if you feel you must reject me and my situation, but if you come to this
conclusion – please do not reject Vicki, Chris and Lucy. They are innocent of
all of this and deserve nothing but support.
This situation of course, has
been a complete shock to Vicki. While she has recently supported the part-time
female part of me she never anticipated that I would want to seek help to go
full-time. She was distressed that she would lose her husband along with
hundreds of other concerns. (I have narrowed this point greatly, we have had
similar conversations in the past – to which I had replied at those times I
didn’t want a full-time life as a woman. That was truthful when it was spoken,
but the confusion has always remained)
I can totally sympathise,
empathise and to a greater extent agree with her. She is a marvellous, loving
lady who has only ever been kind and caring towards me. I realised instantly
the ramifications of what I had said.
Life continued; I made an
appointment with the GP to be referred to “The Laurels”:- http://www.devonpartnership.nhs.uk/The-Laurels.372.0.html
This specialist clinic will be able to advise me on
how to face the future, what the future holds, and whether the diagnosis myself
and the GP have agreed on is accurate. Their waiting list is long, and I doubt
that I’ll hear from them this side of Christmas 2012.
Vicki has struggled to cope with this situation. She
has told me she doesn’t love me anymore (I do not blame her) and at one time she
came close to hating me. She is the sort of person that bottles things up and
struggles to ask for help, nor does she choose to speak openly to others. I
could see she was having major problems so I put my trust into the two people
she trusts more in the world after me – Christopher and Lucy.
I told them – as I say for support of Vicki – but also
because the way the things were going they too would need to know sooner than
later. They were brilliant, both understandably shocked but both supportive of
me and more importantly of Vicki.
Up until this point, only a selected few were within
the secret loop (until two weeks ago it was just Vicki and my GP). Now, please consider this as public
knowledge and talk to whoever you wish to about this.
I apologise for not speaking sooner but I hope you
understand this isn’t the sort of thing you can just drop casually into the
conversation!
What the future holds is unsure. My darling Vicki has decided that our marriage must end. I ask you
all to support her in this decision but please do not influence her – this is
something she has come to herself.
What I want she knows. I love her still (more than
ever), she’s my best friend and I will be devastated to finish a relationship
that has weathered every storm it faced over the last 22 years. BUT because of
my love for her, I will never stand in her way and her final decision will be
one I will completely abide by.
So that brings us up to date. Now this information is
going into the wider world it will now be treated as public knowledge rather
than a family secret. I have posted a version of this letter to various members
of our family and friends. No more hiding, no more lies.
Therefore, I
will be presenting more and more as a female. In this “limbo” time I will continue to present both as male and
female at various times – but the female side will be permanent within the
year. (Irregardless of
the Laurels / treatment etc).
So, I apologise fully to have shocked you. Some of you
may disagree with my situation and that is your right. But please keep those
opinions to yourself when around myself, Christopher or Lucy. If you do not
want me in your life anymore, again I understand fully but please keep in
contact with Christopher, Lucy and most especially Vicki.
If you do have sympathy with my position – thank you.
If you want to learn more I can send various links but really, I suggest you
take a couple of days to digest this news fully before coming to any definite
conclusion. The reaction you have after reading this letter may be very
different to the one you have after another 48 hours.
No doubt in the back of your mind you’re wondering how
I will present and what I will be called. As for presentation I try to dress
for my age – so there will be no inappropriate attire. I aim to fit in to the
background as I have for the last decade or so in my part-time life as a woman.
As for my name – again nothing shocking – I will keep the same initials
C.H.Stocker – but will be known as Claire Holly Stocker. But until Deed poll is
carried out legally I remain Clive.
And indeed I will always answer to Clive. After almost
44 years as Clive / Pops / Old man etc I can hardly ignore those titles so if
you feel more comfortable please continue using them. I just ask that when I
present as a female I am referred to as “her or she” as opposed to “he or him”.
My penultimate point is long so please consider the
following paragraphs carefully:
·
Please, please
support Christopher and Lucy in any way you can. They are both the primary
concern by me and Vicki and while they may be adults (Lucy will be very soon)
they still need the love and support of their family
·
At time of
writing, our marriage is still in existence, albeit as a friendship
relationship. Please respect this when criticising either of us or offering
advice. Until the house is sold (or Vicki decides otherwise), this will be the
status quo.
·
When our marriage
does split up, we (Vicki and I) will make final decisions over finances and how
to proceed. We will remain on friendly, talking terms at all times I feel and
will need support with emotional aspects only. Again, she is and will always be
my best friend.
Thank you for reading this letter; take your time in
digesting the news before coming to a final conclusion. Please be aware that
Vicki has been included in the writing of this letter (it was written at her
request) and she has had the right to veto any information I have written –
which she hasn’t had to do.
I finish by saying this is a carefully worded letter
prepared for just for Facebook. If you wish to get in touch with me, I will of
course send a far more personal reply.
However, please email me or write. I will not be able
to text a reply as I find texting too difficult!
Yours
Clive
Stocker (eventually to be Claire Stocker)
Monday, July 02, 2012
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